• How to Gain Trust in Your Relationship

  • Losing trust or gaining trust in a relationship can be frustrating and saddening at times. That is why when I speak with couples or marriages that are struggling with trust I discuss trust in a different way.

    Trust in your relationship can seem like a blanket statement but the reality is that trust does not take a one size fits all mentality.  Here is what I mean by that, lets say you told yourself that you were not going to trust a person anymore.

    There is probably something that you can still trust about that person. In couples counseling I work with marriages and couples to create better understandings of their different forms of trust.

    For example, you can trust that they will consistently do the things they did to lose your “trust”, you can maybe trust that they can be a productive member of society, or you can trust that they can drive their car and not hurt other people. 

    While we typically think of trust as a one-track mind, “either I trust you or I don’t”, I like to make the argument that there are various spectrums of trust that do not create an overall level of trust for a person. 

    I call these spectrums of trust because I believe that our level of trust in each spectrum can range, move up or down the spectrum depending on internal and external factors.

    The key in marriage or couples’ therapy is to find some of the important spectrums of trust in their relationship and work on gaining trust in those spectrums. Here are some of the more important spectrums of trust that most relationships have deemed important:

    Intimacy Spectrum of Trust

    This is the level of trust that we use to determine how much we feel that our significant others will be sexually and emotionally faithful to us. As with most levels of trust, the Intimate level of trust is difficult to gain but very easy to lose. 

    Protection/Provider Spectrum of Trust

    Protection/Provider trust is the spectrum of trust that a person feels that their spouse will be able to provide their share to the relationship, and the spectrum of trust that our spouse will protect us in times of need.

    Whether that share is financially, labor in the house, or that protection is from physical or emotional attacks, Protection/Provider trust becomes another crucial level of trust for relationships. 

    Love Spectrum of Trust 

    I describe the Love spectrum of trust as the spectrum of trust that allows you to trust how much your spouse loves you. Have you ever been asked “Do you love me? “, then after some while asked again “Are you sure you love me?”. This spectrum of trust is again like some of the other spectrums of trust, difficult to gain but easy to lose.

    Have a discussion with your spouse on what spectrums of trust you two deem are important and see if your levels of importance match.

    -Joaquin Martinez Jr., Couples / Marriage Counselor